Is the BDSM community a thing of the past?

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October 15, 2012 at 4:07 pm  •  Posted in Mistress Daimyo: UNLEASHED by  •  2 Comments

One would think that in this age of information, where we are becoming increasingly dependent on technology and the internet, that the BDSM community would become less important.  It goes to follow, that as access to information and online communities has become so readily available, that the requirement for the “old” way of connecting with other kinky people would become outdated, outmoded and perhaps even unnecessary.  When in actuality, the opposite is true.

With more and more kinky people gaining access to information about kink, they are coming out of the closet in droves – and those numbers are dwarfed by the numbers of “kink-curious” coming out to play.  And while it’s wonderful that we live in an age where this is even possible, it also means that there are more and more people armed with a lot of excitement and curiosity, and not enough knowledge and understanding.  This has created a need for the community that has never been seen before, as the number of beginners seems to be growing near exponentially.

Kink has become the sexual flavour du jour. Each decade has one, and the 21st century has started off with kink as it’s defining sexual movement.  There are other sexual movements going through a growth period as well, but none of them match what has happened with kink.  It’s in music videos, commercials, movies, music and concerts.  It’s in ad campaigns, TV sweeps weeks (as the best way to kill someone for the ratings), and pretty much everywhere you turn.  It’s used as a joke, a game, a way to humiliate the bride and groom at their showers and stag nights.  And nowhere in all of that abundance of sexual taboo and titillation, do you find accurate, usable information to keep you safe, let alone satisfied.

And, in case you haven’t noticed, there is no quality control for what you find on the internet.  You can find a large QUANTITY of information… but how much of it is true?  How much of it is true for you?  How much of it is for the writer’s own ego-stroking, or (even worse) their own form of public “therapy”?  And how much of it is about pandering to fantasy, leaving a little thing like reality out of it altogether?  Unfortunately, there’s only one way to find out: the hard way – and the hard way involves you screwing up, getting hurt in some way and harming others in the process.

So how do you avoid all that?  How do you learn to tell the difference between what’s helpful and what’s harmful?  How can you tell the good from the bad?  How do you avoid becoming one of those embarrassing emergency room stories?  You go out to the community, that’s how – and you don’t stop there.  You get your hands on BDSM educational literature written by people in the lifestyle (a further extension of the community and a very good one, at that).  You expose yourself to different kinds of kinky people so you can find the ones who are like you.  The kink community is big – (not as big as the non-kinky community, true, but it’s big) – and it’s filled with all kinds of different kinds of kink and kinky people.  And you need to be exposed to them to find out where you fit in.

B&D, S/m, D/s and Fetish – these four categories of kink make up the community.  (The percentage of which is present at any given event depends a lot on the type of event it is, and who decided to show up that night.)  And what’s the only thing that they all have in common?  The fact that they’re not ‘vanilla’ (the kinky term for non-kinky people).  So, what’s the value in hanging out with all these different kinds of kinky people – when so many of them are going to be different than you? What’s the point of going through all the frustration of dealing with so many people who AREN’T like you?  Why bother??

Well, the community is where you can go to let it all out, speak freely, and relax with others who are “different” too.  It’s where you go to meet people, connect, make friends and find people to engage in kink &/or relationships with.  It’s where you go to learn and be exposed to things that you haven’t tried yet.  We’re tribal creatures by design, and we are VERY much ‘monkey see, monkey do’.  There are things that we gain from real-life exposure that can’t be put into words on a page; experiences that are visceral, taken in through your senses, that a glowing computer screen cannot duplicate.  In the community, you can have interactive conversations with people who are more experienced than you are.  You can attend workshops and receive instruction on all kinds of kink – where you can put up your hand and ask questions, and you can hear others’ questions too.  In being with all of these “different” people, you’ll hear about their stories of success and failure in the lifestyle.  And all of these are important learning tools.

The internet is wonderful, but NOTHING can replace the importance of being exposed to things directly.  It may be uncomfortable at first, but that vestige of what’s “normal” in the vanilla world soon gets left behind, and what takes it’s place is the feeling the the vanilla world could to learn a thing or two from the kink community!  It’s new – different – but it doesn’t take long for the BDSM community to begin to feel like the ONLY place that’s “normal”.  Sure, it has it’s problems – where there are people, there are problems – but nowhere else are you going to be as welcome for being sexually different.  Nowhere else are you going to be surrounded by so many smiles and so much laughter, while everyone’s being “different”.  And that feeling of community, of belonging to a tribe, is worth a lot.  So whether it’s simply for the service of protection and education, or it’s serving as a safe haven and social hub for those of us who are wired a little differently, the BDSM community is here to stay… and that is a VERY good thing.

2 Comments

  1. Sissy Steph / October 15, 2012 at 9:48 pm / Reply

    Mistress

    A very interesting article that has opened my eyes to what I thought was a simple topic. Clearly I was wrong (again) and I am looking forward to reading more about the community.

    Steph

  2. kimberly b / February 2, 2013 at 5:03 pm / Reply

    i hate to disagree but i find more and more cyber Doms out there. i have been invited into their world several times but as soon as i ask for direct or phone contact, they disappear. They seem to get there kicks from cyber Domination,but cannot function in the real world.
    How anyone can gain sexual pleasure out of typed words on a screen is beyond me.

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