Doing Kink vs Being Kinky – The Great BDSM Divide.

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January 23, 2013 at 6:37 pm  •  Posted in Mistress Daimyo: UNLEASHED by  •  2 Comments

The BDSM world is a vast and complicated sexual subculture.  It is comprised of an awful lot of people with nothing in common – except that they’re not vanilla.  The acronym “BDSM” itself includes three separate kink categories, (Bondage & Discipline, Domination & submission, and Sadism & masochism / S&M / Sadomasochism), and even that isn’t enough to cover all of the community’s factions.  It doesn’t include the Fetish scene, and it also doesn’t communicate the pansexual nature of the community – meaning the inclusion of heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, transsexuals, plus those who identify as being gender-flexible/gender-fluid or not having a gender at all.

And as complicated as that all is, it pales in comparison to the divide created by a fundamental difference in how community members are wired.  This difference in nature is easily assessed by asking the question, “Is kink something that you do, or is it something that you are?”  The divide that this difference in identification makes, is so all-encompassing that it affects how the BDSM scene is evolving.  This difference changes the context of how BDSM vocabulary is used – and intended – which leads to interpersonal confusion, and sometimes even political battles.

I’ve seen what happens when people use the same terms, but mean entirely different things with those terms; it wrecks havoc in negotiating scenes, negotiating relationships, and even in how BDSM event groups will be directed.  And with the ever-growing influx of new and curious people, this problem is bound to continue to grow – unless we create a NEW vocabulary to keep up with the evolution and expansion of BDSM membership.  (A membership that seems to be growing exponentially at the moment, courtesy of the incredibly popular “Twilight” erotic fan fiction series “Fifty Shades of Grey”.)

As it stands, there is a generation gap of sorts – where the older/longer-standing members of the community are upset by some of the changes, and the younger/newer members want to see some (or all) of the “old ways” be a thing of the past – and finding a solution to it all sometimes seems impossible.  But perhaps if we expand our shared vocabulary, in order to address whether the terms in question (ie: identification labels, relationship categories, titles, etc) are being used to describe one’s idea of a good time, or describe one’s deeper/true self, we can solve some of the confusion, frustration, and heated disputes.  For, while we all know that proper negotiation makes for better scenes and partnering, perhaps what we’ve lost sight of the fact that it makes for a better community too.

At the end of the day, we all want to be accepted and respected – to have a place in the community – but until the time comes where we grow so large in number that we can break off into separate B&D, D/s, and S/m communities, we need to find a way to include the old ways AND the new.  We need a way to acknowledge each others’ differences, identify each other accurately, and thereby avoid unpleasant complications caused by our being so different from one another.  I believe that we can turn our growth spurt into something powerful and positive, but not by doing things the same way they were done when the community was much smaller and much more secretive.  And I don’t mean throwing out all the “old ways” – as I believe that the community would suffer for that loss.  But we must find a way to adapt in order to acknowledge this essential difference in our masses, so that inclusion becomes possible and we can gain strength in our numbers.

If the community keeps growing that way that it is, we are potentially on the brink of a new day in society as we know it.  We stand before the potential for a time when the line between vanilla and kinky becomes blurred to a point of eradication; a time when being called “vanilla” makes you the exception, rather than the rule.  We’re not there yet – but it may be coming…  and as we walk the evolutionary road toward that possibility, we need to grow into it.  It’s time to pull out the BDSM lexicon, do some revising and publish a new edition.  And with that larger dictionary will come an expanded vocabulary, greater clarity, more safety and satisfaction, and perhaps even more peace amongst us all as well.

2 Comments

  1. Mistress Daimyo / January 26, 2013 at 12:31 pm / Reply

    Thanks Jurgen, that’s very kind of you. Thanks for reading; I hope you enjoy our future content just as much. Take care!

  2. ترجمه فرانسوی / March 18, 2013 at 8:52 am / Reply

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