Erotic Vancouver is pleased to welcome our latest columnist, Scott Peters, who writes Positively Sexy, an insightful look at sex and sexuality, and which knowing the author will no doubt promote both insightful thought and angry reactions over time! We’re happy to welcome Scott into the EV fold.
Positively Sexy is just that, a positive take on sexuality. More precisely it is a place to explore our individual sexual experience, as well as the social, economic, cultural significance of human sexuality. Positively Sexy starts from the premise that we live in a “sex negative” culture where the natural experience of sexuality is subverted and repressed. We believe living a full and positive sexual life brings us into regular conflict with the social, economic, cultural norms of our society.
While our goals do not overtly involve education on the nuts and bolts of sex (already done very well by many others), we will include the pertinent info when the occasion arises.
Our emphasis is on the personal narrative. How we successfully, or unsuccessfully, navigate the obstacles to our sexual lives. Most of our societies sexual dysfunction and repression hides behind a wall of silence. My hope is that the voice of Positively Sexy can start to chip away at this wall of silence. With that in mind I am asking for your personal narratives, your experience with sexual expression in a sex negative culture. Not a lot of rules. Add your name, or remain anonymous. Share on the suggested topic, or open up a new one. Courage, wit, humour, and even sorrow are all welcome. Keep in mind all personal attacks, as well any forms bigotry are unwelcome. Let’s start raising our voices about who we are, we are all Positively Sexy.
Porn Sex Versus Real Sex?
Last year someone posted a short video which quickly went viral that supposedly compares “porn sex” to “real sex”. Average length of penis in porn, average length of penis found in real life; average time of intercourse in porn, average time of intercourse in real life, etc. I believe the ideas presented were simplistic and inaccurate. More importantly, while trying to address one wrong, they perpetrate a larger one. I understand the need to confront the oppressive idea that everyone is having, or should be having, sex as it is portrayed in the majority of pornography. However, we start down a very slippery slope when we start asserting what is “real” sex. Particularly when “real” is defined as that which is most common place. This notion that someone else can define what “real” sex is for any of us, is simply dehumanizing.
Is the sex portrayed in most pornography common? Absolutely not. It is, however, as “real” as any other kind of sex. I think a better place to start this discussion would be: “is the sex portrayed in most pornography depicting the kind of sexual experiences most people are having, most of the time”? Of course pornography is not realistic portrayal of common sex, but that’s another question entirely. As I went through the list of comparisons, I found my personal experience of sex was not “real”. It sure seemed real to me when it was happening. The bigger problem here is not that everyone is expected/expecting to have “porn” sex, but that most people believe it’s okay to define what kind of sexual experiences others should expect and pursue. Just as problematic, most of us accept that our sexuality should be defined by others.
Western Judeo-christian culture, and others for that matter, holds that our intimate lives are not our own. This is absurd. Very little is more intimately our own than our sexuality. One of the most freeing experiences of my young life was realizing that my sexuality belonged to me. The oppressive belief that our sexuality is defined by an external locus is at the core of our sex negative society. Countering the notion that we should all be having sex as portrayed in main stream pornography with the equally oppressive notion that having sex in this manor is not “real”, is not helpful. The idea that we should all be having mythical “real” sex as defined by someone else is another form of oppression. Whether it’s the profit driven corporate sex in dust industry’s distorted view, or the vulgar notion of “real” sex being foisted on the individual, our sexual autonomy is being subjugated.
This form of social tyranny provides the foundation for the sex negative culture we live in. For example: at it roots homophobia is based on the belief society has some kind of say in how the individual should sexually identify. In addition, the vilification, shaming, and persecution of the non-monogamous, the differently gendered, and other “deviants” has it’s roots in this oppressive societal group think. Nobody has the right to define our sexuality but ourselves. It is ironic that someone would object to the pornography industries exclusionary view of sex with one of their own. By refusing to accept the labels of others, and refusing to label others in return, we take a very positive step toward diminishing our sex negative culture. Whatever your sexuality, I hope it is, and remains, positively sexy.
OK Positively Sexy Army (we have the sexiest uniforms of any army on the planet), it’s time to build our voice. This writers first big ask, please send in your firsts for the launch of the PSA’s firsts. On the first of every month we are talking about firsts in people’s sexual life experience. Your first kiss, your first sexual fantasy, your first sex talk with your mom/dad, your first time being tied up. Your first anything. The most powerful truths flow from the narratives our lives.
Send your emails to PositivelySexyEV@gmail.com