My Celibacy Sexperiment: The Real Dealio…

6 ...celibacy and dry spells are definitely not the same thing. Holy hell, I won’t lie – it hasn’t been an easy experiment.
January 8, 2014 at 11:08 pm  •  Posted in Columns, Sex, According to AlphaSiren by  •  6 Comments

So… after doing this celibacy gig for a few months now, let me tell you – celibacy and dry spells are definitely not the same thing. Holy hell, I won’t lie – it hasn’t been an easy experiment.

Admittedly, there was a bit of Vaguebooking going on in my Celibacy Sexperiment intro article. Yes, I eluded to the fact that primarily, I was undertaking the experiment so as to focus more on writing and hone my creative process by eliminating distractions which could stand in the way of being as productive as I’d ideally like to be. All true, all valid.

But full disclosure? If I’d been getting some top shelf lays and/or had suitors on the scene who were actually solid partner material, this whole celibacy debacle wouldn’t have even been a seed of an idea. Because hey, this girl likes sex, yo! But frankly, I’d really just had it with the brutal Vancouver dating scene. It’s dismal and frustrating and I’m not the only person out there with this opinion. And so begins the rant…

With an imbalance of singles in men’s favor, it’s not surprising that Vancity ladies are constantly lamenting the fact that there not only seems to be a shortage of dudes, but there’s a shortage of dudes who are willing to make an effort by putting in the time and energy that dating requires, to actually woo you. The main complaint among single gals is that Van boys are for the most part, lazy, too laid-back and seem to be commitment phobic when it comes to all things courtship.

So why are west coast blokes this way? Well, for one, I suppose because they can be; they’re outnumbered by us XX’s, which means there’s always another hot chick around the corner. Guys don’t have to try all that hard with the dating rituals, because babely broads are in surplus. Couple that with the overall lackadaisical and laid-back ‘Vancouver mojo’, and it’s a recipe for dating disaster. Now sprinkle into this mix more than a few jerks that like to send shitty jerky messages, and this girl had had enough.

I have no qualms admitting that I’ve been a regular in the online dating circuit for a while now; off and on, it amounts to years. I’m what you might call a seasoned vet. I’ve been through battle and seen some wartime; I’ve developed the instinct and eye of a sniper. This girl don’t fall for bullshit and believe me, online dating is like bullshit Mecca.

It’s also the perfect place for cowardly misogynist d-bags to skulk; and they surely do. I’ve had the misfortune of being cyber-attacked by more than a handful of such men and while I ‘get’ why perhaps, my profile elicits this type of message in (some) men, I’m still always shocked that a human can be so unkind to another complete stranger. I mean sure, my profile tells it like it is – it describes a strong, independent, self-assured alpha girl who knows what she does and doesn’t want and is nothing short of bold – but it most certainly is not antagonistic, negative in tone or in any way a personal attack on any one person, nor on a group of people.

“I have never received a mean-spirited, nasty or otherwise hateful message from a woman.

Not ever.”

But, it seems that for some men, when a woman is bold and confident and sexually centered, it’s somehow a threat to their masculinity. And while I’m a bisexual female, I speak specifically about men, because I have never received a mean-spirited, nasty or otherwise hateful message from a woman. Not ever. Messages from women are always positive and complimentary and they quite often come from those who acknowledge they aren’t my type, but still felt compelled to let me know “I know I’m not what you’re looking for, but I just wanted to say I’m so glad to know that there are kick-ass women like you out in the world!” (As opposed to the men who feel a compulsion to send me a message like “You are so gross.”)

I find it fascinating that somehow, the gender that is typically brought up being told, reminded or nurtured to be insecure is the gender that can actually read my profile and not feel like someone has chopped off their genitals.

And so there was the issue of being inundated by some douchey asshats, coupled with not enough high match potentials that really propelled forward, this decision to be celibate for awhile. And I have to say, although I’ve been going through batteries like a mofo, I have been finding that my thoughts are more focused, I’m getting more work done, and I’m spending considerable energy on myself. It’s been a pretty good experiment, though not one I intend to have last forever. That said I’m not rushing anything because while I do look forward to finding ‘my person’, I’m trusting in the universe to present him/her when the timing is right. Until then, my Hitachi is going to continue getting some serious facetime.

By AlphaSiren | www.alphasiren.com

6 Comments

  1. MsKitty / January 9, 2014 at 7:03 am / Reply

    Fabulous article and one of the reasons why I decided to leave Vancouver for a populous city called Toronto. Bigger scene and more to select in the dating pool. Toronto-ians are different over here and more diversity in race, ethnicity, and finding sexy in a variety of age – younger or older. (This is coming from someone seeing/dating five different ethnic backgrounds at the moment.)

    Kudos to the author running this experiment. I’d go squirrelly after 4 days!

    • AlphaSiren / January 9, 2014 at 4:06 pm / Reply

      Goddess bless you. Thank you for the lovely words and for seeing what I was trying to convey. Vancouver men are lovely, I can’t deny that. I’ve just gotten so tired of being in a dating racket where it feels like there’s no real burning desire/interest. I know it’s the west coast groove. I get that. And so, after not getting a very good ROI (return on investment – haha, vocab from my “former life”) – I decided to step away for awhile. The dating scene can getcha down (girls and guys alike). I thought I’d embrace me time for awhile to re-centre. xo

  2. Jez / January 9, 2014 at 8:17 am / Reply

    Ha!! Good on you!

    Initially, I was looking at the headline as a potential article on how to rock chosen celibacy. Personally that’s not my cup of tea, but I appreciate perspective.
    Then reading about your take on online dating and the frustrations possibly particular to our geographic reason reminded me that I’ve heard this before.

    Specifically, misogyny. Way to call it out!

    I had a 2 year dry spell once in my life, that was challenging, interesting. But online dating was a bit of a flub. I just couldn’t do it. I’m happy to have read a perspective of someone who has experience with that dating medium, good or bad…

    good luck with your projects!

  3. K. Emilee / January 9, 2014 at 11:14 am / Reply

    I’ve been told to stop being a pussy and tell you, that you could alpha me anytime. 😉
    I feel better now.

  4. Cory F. / January 9, 2014 at 5:06 pm / Reply

    Men in the online dating world could not act any more ridiculous. I have heard horrible horrible stories from female friends about the abuses they go through. Men are mean in an immature way… But women are mean too, in a much more ‘mature’ way, if you will… If being mean actually was mature.

    I have certainly approached a number of women in my life, to strike up a conversation. I am confident, I am a good looking guy, I am polite and interesting, and definitely not a douche, so if a girl is not interested I even talking, it’s not a big deal, there are others around who will be. But it’s the WAY a girl says she is not interested, by laughing, rolling her eyes, or bluntly saying ‘Don’t talk to me.’ Believe it or not, even the cockiest of guys takes it to heart when hearing that a couple times in a night. Online dating has given guys an opportunity to evade this circumstance, and even get to the point about what they want. They don’t get slapped, a drink in their face, hell, even a response at all if the woman doesn’t like what she hears. The immaturity of men takes over them, and now they feel they can spout off all sorts of insults on top of this. But hey, and asshole in real life is just gonna be a braver asshole online.

    Don’t count men out. Stay cautious, but give us a chance, not all of us tell strangers they are gross or send dick pics to them.

    As for the girls who are rude to approaching guys… Well, you get what you give.

    Good luck with your celebacy sexperiment… I did that too recently, for the same reasons basically, and I caved after 8 months. I’ll be honest… It was a weight off my shoulders. And quick. Oops. Hehe

  5. AlphaSiren / January 9, 2014 at 11:04 pm / Reply

    Thank you for the comments here. Muchly appreciate the support and lurve. And thanks for reading and taking the time!

    ~AlphaSiren xx

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