I’ve always felt that without sex, a romantic relationship really can’t stay afloat for too long. And while looking back now, I realize I was primarily addressing relationships I’d hear about which had all but “lost that lovin’ feeling”, I think to some degree, I felt that any relationship equation missing this key variable was all but doomed. Seriously – what’s the point in being in a relationship if you’re not getting laid?
While being a self-ascribed hopeful romantic, I’ve been backstroking around the algae-ridden dating pool long enough to possess a touch of jadedness about love. I nearly married a man with whom I’d shared the most passionate love affair, but in comparison to the one I’m about to reveal here, it makes me wonder if I’ll ever find this kind of love. All this cynical little bish can say is, I certainly fucking hope so.
After alluding to a vow of celibacy, a friend reached out privately, revealing she and her partner of 1.5+ years had yet to bone, something I’d go on to briefly mention in my Celibacy Experiment article. I asked if they’d tell me their story, and what I heard was so unlike anything I’d heard before, I knew I had to share it.
Each traveling across one state to a bluegrass festival in Maryland a little over a year and a half ago, the orbits of Eve and Alex collided randomly, but instantly and cataclysmically as soon as they met. They’ve been bound together since that first moment, though they still live apart. They also have yet to have sex.
What’s different about your connection, versus connections you’ve each had with past partners?
Eve: Instantly, it was overwhelmingly apparent that our connection was different. Without words, the intensity of the energy flowing between us was truly indescribable – whether it was a look exchanged, or a physical touch (as innocent as brushing a finger against a finger) – the exchange was so mind-blowing that neither of us fully understood what was going on. All we knew is that we never wanted to lose what we’d newly discovered.
Alex: The connection I have with Eve is far more vivid than any other connection I’ve had. Our communication is very open and honest and unclouded by the external/internal desires.
Eve: The way the mind, heart and spirit wrap around those of another person is a delicate and beautiful process; there’s no need to rush any step, so we forced ourselves to slow down. It was this mutual decision that led us to the initial discussion.
The discussion not to sleep together.
Alex: Yes. It’s been quite difficult at times, because when we’re physically together, of course there are urges, but we’ve found other ways to satisfy each other, which have led to even more new discoveries. I’m truly fulfilled by Eve in every way and don’t feel anything is missing by not having sex.
Eve: Exactly. In the beginning, before the first conversation, it was a struggle due to the intensity of the connection and physical attraction. I’m in a relationship with a man I’m attracted to on every single level. So has it been hard? I think I would feel more comfortable referring to it as “different”.
Who initiated the celibacy convo?
Eve: I’d say me, initially. The first night, we stayed up till 5AM talking about everything under the moon. He walked me to my tent where I made it very clear I’d be sleeping alone. The next evening, we had our first kiss and slept on the same air mattress, just touching hands and kissing one another’s faces. This is how every day/night was spent together for the first 6 months of our relationship. The energy flowing between us was enough for us to physically orgasm – neither of us had ever experienced such a connection and electric exchange of energy. As we continued to discover more levels of each other, it became possible to communicate through our energy. It was something foreign to the both of us as well, so we spent a lot of time verbally confirming thoughts/ideas with each other. The “official” celibacy discussion was part of this. We were very much on the same page, excited to explore one another.
So what constitutes ‘celibacy’ in your relationship?
Eve: We both masturbate. We waited about 6 months into the relationship to explore oral sex. There was no timeline; we were simply taking the time to discover, know, feel and love every single part of each other before moving to the next “discovery”. We’ve been together for over 1.5 years now and still haven’t had vaginal or anal intercourse.
How has celibacy shaped your relationship?
Eve: It’s enabled us to be strong and very open. In the past, we’ve both relied on the action of touch to express ourselves. Now, we exercise other means of emotional expression: verbal, spiritual and music composition to connect, relate to and understand each other.
Without sex, do you feel there’s something missing in your relationship?
Alex: Not at all. We’ve gained so much more without it. It’s made growing together easier.
Eve: No. I am so incredibly fulfilled – more than I ever knew to be possible. Do I believe that celibacy is responsible? Not necessarily, although I do believe that when the focus is directed away from the act of sex, there is much to recognize, both within yourself, others and your surroundings. After living this experience, I can look back and truly see how sex blinded me in previous relationships.
I assume you plan to have sex at some point? Is there a “SEX DATE” marked in the calendar?
Eve: Ha! There’s no scheduled ‘date’, but yes, we do plan on moving forward in our journey and feel intercourse is the gateway to life as “one”. We didn’t originally plan to “wait until marriage”, but this is where our journey has led us to be, as we got engaged last month! For us, marriage represents a level of commitment and another step along the way of joining together. All of this being said, we’re still not giving ourselves a timeline of any sort; if we aren’t ready to move into each other through intercourse at the time we’re married, we won’t. We’d rather wait for the guidance that’s led us throughout this adventure, to also present to us the right time for that to happen.
Kinda gives you a whole new perspective on the importance of sex, doesn’t it?